We all like to think that we are in charge of our lives, but the truth is that a good deal of what we think, say and believe is part of unconscious programming developed in childhood. 

Depending on how we were treated as children, including what we observed and heard, we formed views and expectations about ourselves and other people.  These expectations are so much a part of us that we view them as facts rather than beliefs that can be changed as we mature.  This newsletter will challenge you to take control of your life, by understanding these beliefs and their influence on you.  Once you know what they are, it is possible for you to change the parts that no longer are of help to you.

 We hear so much about making New Year’s resolutions…“I will lose weight.”…“I will exercise more”…“I will spend more time with my family...”.

 Both DEAR ABBEY and ANN LANDERS have annual New Year’s Day columns that provide some wonderful ideas on how to become better people and take control of our lives. So, this newsletter focuses on TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.

As children we had only two choices: to conform to parental expectations or to rebel against them. Either way, our parents’ rules and expectations determined what we would do or not do. In response to this we may have decided to

 ¨      BE STRONG and never ask for help or support

 ¨      BE PERFECT in all we do

 ¨      TRY HARD but never succeed

 ¨      PLEASE everyone else as the first priority

 ¨      HURRY to fill other’s expectations to achieve.

 Taking charge of your life means looking at your role in relationship to your parents and the significant other persons in your life as a child.  Other people can only contribute to your feelings, not control them. You can choose to let people who are important to you influence you, but you still control the range and extent of their influence.  If you feel powerless it is because you have given power away through indecision, non-action or using “powerless language” such as:

 ¨      Have to instead of Choose to

¨      Can’t instead of Won’t

¨      Try instead of Do

¨      Maybe instead of No

¨      Wish instead of Want

So now is the time….You are the person in charge of your life when you:

¨      ARE TRUE TO YOURSELF—let your real feelings and priorities guide you 
rather than try to meet others’ standards.

¨      TRUST YOUR INTUITION--- sense whether a choice is right or wrong for you.  
Intuition can be a warning system that signals danger or opportunity 
before logic identifies the source.

¨      THINK BIG---give up “poor me” thinking.  Evaluate your life on what you have, 
not what you lack. Let your life be directed by hope of gain rather than fear of loss.

¨      STOP JUDGING---When you judge others, you don’t define them—you define yourself.  When you label others you limit their possibilities, and labeling yourself has the same result.

¨      THINK POSITIVELY---change negative statements to positive ones. 
Give yourself credit for your strengths and successes.  If you don’t, know one else can.

¨      DON’T GIVE UP---everyone experiences failures and mistakes.  
The key is to make them a part of learning. Winners use their failures to 
move forward, losers let failure s stop them. 

 Attitude is often the deciding point that makes the difference between success and failures in life. Optimists attribute success to effort and ability and failure to bad luck or correctable mistakes.  Pessimists attribute success to luck, and failure to permanent personal inadequacies. Pessimism leads to apathy, and optimism produces purpose.

 You can only take control of your life if you stop sidestepping, taking responsibility, and putting the blame on others.  (This puts the other person in charge of determining your actions and you become a victim.)

 You can only take control of your life if you become as informed as possible.  You can’t make good decisions with bad information.  (Most of us know what the word “assume” stands for.)

 You can only take control of your life if you have clearly defined goals.  If you don’t know where you are going, it’ll be hard to know how to get there!

 You can only take control of your life if you are able to ask for help when you need it, and learn from understanding other points of view that may provide easier or better solutions.

 THERAPY CAN HELP!

 One of the reasons that people seek professional counseling is that they believe they have no control over their lives.  They are unhappy, and often blame someone else as the cause of unhappiness, or they know something is wrong but cannot identify what it is.

 In trying to make themselves happy people often simply do what they have always done, only faster, longer, in a different place or with a different partner.

 People from dysfunctional families try to create the appearance of happiness; because the belief system that shapes the direction of their lives is unconscious; It is difficult to critically examine it alone. 

 Therapy can help sort out the difference between beliefs and facts, and identify the parts of unconscious programming, so one can decide from an adult vantage point how to change and take control of life for greater happiness.

 May the resolution and gift that you give yourself in the year 2000 be one of taking control of your life and making the changes you want.

Dr. Dorothy J. Marron, Ph.D.,
Clinical Psychologist
858-653-7741.
Fax: (858) 672-8566
E-mail: sdpsychologist@aol.com

15525 Pomerado Road, Suite E-4
Poway, CA 92064